" ... She Wept and Would Not Eat"

This is Part 2 of a 12-Part Series on Church Hurt

For the sake of simplicity, in this series, I am typically going to refer to any place of worship as a "church" and any type of leader as a "pastor" and/or "priest".

Urban Dictionary defines "Church Hurt" a little more loosely or generally:

" ... where you experience a degree of distance, pain, or judgment from your church community. Essentially, you are just unable to 'find your place'. This is prevalant in the Christian community, but can be extended to other religions."

In 1 Samuel, Elkanah and his family regularly attend the church led by Eli and his two sons, Hophni and Phinehas. Polygamous marriages were quite common at that time and Elkanah had two wives, Hannah and Peninnah. Unfortunately, the corrupt behavior of the two sons wasn't the only problem at this church and as a result, church was a place of overwhelming sadness and grief for Hannah, despite having a deeply personal relationship with the Lord:

" ... Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat." - 1 Samuel 1:7

You may read this verse and assume Hannah is being bullied by another woman; that is certainly what the implication seems to be. However, the Hebrew word that is being translated as "rival" is the only occurrence of this specific word in Scripture, and the word can mean one of 2 things:

"A female rival; adversary."

"adversity, affliction, anguish, distress, tribulation, or trouble."

Most translations would lead you to believe it is a specific woman (the first definition). The NLT even goes so far as to translate it as "Peninnah", Elkanah's other wife. But there is nothing in Scripture to indicate it is a specific woman, and if it were, there is no mention of her name, which there likely would have been if it had been Peninnah. In addition, according to this passage, Hannah only experiences this grief and sadness at church; if it were a specific woman - and especially if it were Peninnah - she would probably experience it on a more consistent basis. For these, and for several other reasons, in my opinion, her "rival" wasn't any one particular person; it was more of the second definition of "rival" - it was a particular problem she was struggling with: infertility.

While Elkanah and Peninnah had children together, Hannah had been unable to conceive. In a church culture that really valued marriage and children - to the point of idolizing it - she was "unable to find her place". Hannah's "church hurt" had nothing to do with the church leadership, per se. Rather, it stemmed from the feeling of not fitting in or belonging, of being judged and ridiculed because her life and her experiences didn't meet other people's expectations.

Sadly, over the past several decades, in an effort to demonstrate the value of marriage, committment, and family in a secular culture that increasingly diminishes it, the Church has largely reinforced the idolization of marriage and family; to the point that we have frequently created a community in which someone who is single, widowed, divorced, or childless more often than not struggles to find their place.

In Hannah's case, the expectation for women was children, but the following is a list of expectations (spoken, unspoken, or implied) that women frequently face when they are struggling to find their place in a church community. It should be noted that while this post is highlighting the exclusion and "church hurt" that women frequently experience, obviously "church hurt" is not by any means exclusive to women.

1.  Marital Status

   
   

   They may be single, divorced, widowed, or "single on Sunday" - meaning their spouse either is not a Christian or does not attend church. Regardless of the reason, at many churches, they may be seen as a problem that needs to be "fixed" and/or they may be viewed as a threat to other women, men, and marriages. It's very possible they will not always feel welcomed or included, particularly in certain types of activities.

   
   

2. Reproductive Status

   
   

   Like Hannah, they may be experiencing infertility, they may be a single mom, they may have had an unplanned pregnancy and made the decision to either place their child for adoption or to have an abortion, they may have decided to postpone parenting or - for whatever reason - chosen not to have children. Regardless of their circumstances, they may struggle to feel accepted if they don't fit neatly into the "traditional family" model, or if they simply hold more "pro-choice" views.

   
   

3. Professional Status - Working vs. "Stay-at-Home Moms"

   
   

   The emphasis on family frequently means that women may be judged if they work full-time outside of the home - regardless of the circumstances. Many church activities may be difficult for them to participate in or relate to either because of their schedules or because of the content.

   
   

4. Ministry Status/Spiritual Gifts

   
   

   Serving in any area other than Children's Ministry, Women's Ministry, Praise and Worship, and Hospitality may be frowned upon, questioned, discouraged, or even prohibited depending upon the church and their current or historical doctrine. Women who are naturally gifted for leadership, financial stewardship, teaching, or preaching may be very limited or even restricted in terms of how they may use their gifts.

Over the past few decades, we have experienced significant numbers of women leaving the church because, like Hannah, for many of them, their experience at church and with church doesn't reflect Jesus. But Hannah believed in God, loved God, prayed to God, served God ... and went to church anyway! Not because she loved church ... but because she loved God.

© I Lift My Voice, 2025

---

FOOTNOTE: One of the things that stood out to me when preparing to write this series was that there are very different interpretations of this story depending upon which translation of the Bible you are using. In fact, the NLT translates this entire story differently than most other translations. Most likely, that is because there are several Hebrew words which are found only in these passages, making it more difficult to discern the meaning behind them, and according to the NLT, there is one verse in particular (1 Samuel 1:5) in which the original Hebrew meaning is uncertain. When looking at this passage overall, I found the NIV to be the most plausable, but because there were so many variances, I considered many different translations when writing.

Click Here to Read Post 3 in This 12-Part Series on Church Hurt